Thursday, November 26, 2009

"..Yo, Sweetheart...You Push The Envelope With Your Chops...Not with Your ****...."

Adam Lambert apparently doesn't get it.

It's not about crotches.

It's about armpits.

(CNN) -- Adam Lambert cleaned up his act for his CBS "Early Show" appearance Wednesday morning, giving a performance no one could take offense with.

Lambert said on the show that he believes he has been unfairly attacked because he is a gay man, and he blamed parents upset with his performance for letting their kids watch the American Music Awards without supervision.

"It's a double whammy -- I think it's because I'm a gay male, and I think people haven't seen it before," Lambert said about the negative response that has erupted over his Sunday night AMA performance.

ABC has received more than 1,500 complaints from viewers upset about Lambert's raunchy dance sequence at the AMAs to his single "For Your Entertainment," in which he simulated oral sex with one of the dancers and kissed a male keyboardist on the mouth. The network's morning show, "Good Morning America," canceled Lambert's scheduled appearance Wednesday because, it said, it couldn't trust what he would do.

"The Early Show" on CBS offered to give Lambert a platform to speak and sing after ABC's cancellation.

"The Early Show," which has typically been third in morning ratings behind "Good Morning America" and the "Today Show," made the most of the opportunity and allowed Lambert to dominate the morning programming as he took questions from fans, chatted with host Maggie Rodriguez and performed two of the songs from his new album, avoiding any untoward dance moves.

The former "American Idol" finalist admitted that he did "get carried away" during the AMA performance, but said that his dance moves came from an "impromptu place" and that they were not planned in advance.

"I do see how people got offended, and that was not my intention. My intention was to interpret the lyrics of my song and have a good time with it," Lambert said.

Asked what he would have done differently if he had the chance, Lambert said, "I would sing it a little bit better."

This week, the media watchdog The Parents Television Council attacked Lambert's AMA performance as vulgar and urged upset viewers to complain to the network, producers and the show's advertisers.

Lambert said on "The Early Show" that it wasn't his responsibility to worry about what kids were watching at home. "I'm not a baby sitter. I'm a performer," he said. "It didn't cross my mind, children. It was almost 11 o'clock. It was a nighttime show. I was there in an audience full of mostly adults."

iReporter on Lambert kiss: "What's wrong with America"

Lambert pointed out that other performers at the awards show indulged in some not-so-child-friendly behavior as well.

"Lady Gaga smashing whiskey bottles, Janet Jackson grabbing a male dancer's crotch, Eminem talking about how Slim Shady has 17 rapes under his belt -- there was a lot of very adult material on the AMAs this year, and I know I wasn't the only one," Lambert said.

Lambert was joined on the show by his mother, Leila, who said she was "a little taken aback" by his AMAs song.

"But I just went with the flow, and it's all good," she said.

Before performing his songs "What Do You Want From Me" and "Music Again," Lambert assured the "Early Show" crew and the audience that his performance would be a chaste one.
"Parents, this is appropriate, I promise," Lambert said with a sly smile.

Lest I be suspected of an attack of old fart fogeyism here, let me dispel the notion.

When I was a kid, Elvis made parents crazy with his "scandalous" hip gyrations.

A few years later, Mick Jagger made parents crazy with his "scandalous" smooching strut.

A few years after that, Michael Jackson made parents crazy with his thrust and grab crotch move.

In none of those cases did the empire come crumbling down and at no time did I ever personally find myself feeling the urge to enlist in Satan's army because I was being morally corrupted by said motions and/or maneuvers.

That said, even at a naive and impressionable age, I heard a little voice in the back of my head whispering, ever so subtly, one word.


Elvis's voice was an engaging, magical once in a lifetime sound that required no visual accompaniment.

I'm pretty sure the King had, and has, legions of sightless fans who never required a hip shake to be in love (UHH) and all shook up.

The Stones were the best true blend of blues, R&B and rock and roll that ever came along and their ability to move us musically required no visual accompaniment.

I'm pretty sure the Stones had, and have, legions of sightless fans who never had to witness Mick doing his rooster moves to get some (DA-DA-DUH) sat-is-FACK-shun.

And Michael?

Voice, songs, one of a kind. Live forever.

Yada, yada.

Which brings us to the lacivious Mr./Ms. Lambert.

Tsk, tsk, dude/dudette.

You're already running the risk of being thought of in terms of armpits.

As in the kid who sat in the back of at least one classroom in each of our school day lives and, desiring to be noticed, loved, adored, et al, but lacking confidence in his honest ability to be funny felt the need to make us laugh by employing palm and pit.

To make fart noises.

And, yes, it was funny.

The first time.

Maybe even a couple of times.

And then we found ourselves wandering away, our attentions stolen away by the kid in the class who really was funny and not afraid to simply be...funny.

Adam Lambert proved in his weeks on Idol that he is a world class vocal talent.

And we all totally get that simply standing on a stage and showing that skill ain't near enough in this dumbed down, uber-low attention span culture we all enjoy.

Unless, of course, you're Susan Boyle.

I suspect, though. Adam would rather do a Kurt Cobain than ever be referred to as "frumpy".

Ergo, we have now all witnessed the crotch thrusting, fellatio simulating, homosexual French kissing entertainment extravaganza...

"Ladies and gentlemen...The Adam Lambert Experience ! ! "

Oh..and apparently the kid can sing pretty good, too.

Can't quite tell.

Hard to hear over those annoying armpit noises.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Saturday, November 21, 2009

"...If The CMA Gets Wind Of Her, We're Talking Best New Artist of 2010..."

Three things we all love.

Back in a minute...

(CNN) -- Susan Boyle, a 48-year-old unemployed charity worker who became an international sensation after her audition for "Britain's Got Talent" in April, can now lay claim to a new achievement.

Her debut CD, set to come out on November 23, has become the most pre-ordered CD in the history of, the online retailer said Thursday.

Eager fans began ordering copies of the CD, "I Dreamed a Dream," as soon as its release was announced late summer, pushing it to the top of the online retail chart ahead of Whitney Houston's much-anticipated comeback CD.

"One of the things that is so unique about Susan Boyle is her ability to touch people around the world," said Steve Barnett, the chairman of Columbia Records, in a statement.

Before she sang during her audition in April, the unassuming single woman with a loose mop of curly hair drew snickers from the audience, including notoriously hard-to-please judge Simon Cowell.

The scowls and eye-rolling were replaced by wild cheers as soon as she sang the first line of "I Dreamed a Dream."

Even though she eventually lost out to a dance troupe in the TV competition, her pitch-perfect rendition of the "Les Miserables" number catapulted her into an overnight sensation with a string of global television appearances.

No man is an island, it is written, but I have spent what seems like a lot of my life being one of the few people I know who believe that you don't have to be "the same" or "predictable" or, God forbid, "safe" in order to win the hearts and minds of audiences, be it with a song, painting, novel...or blog.

And the stunning (and by that I mean sensory and not undeserved) success of Susan Boyle is one of those events that I file away on the off chance that I might actually someday get to plead my case for recognizing "outside the box" as a legitimate path of artistic travel and not an indication that the applicable traveler should be branded and, or worse, ignored.

Susan Boyle is the first witness I would call to the stand.

Because she bitchslapped the conventional wisdom trumpeters by effortlessly offering up the three things people love.

An underdog.

A winner.

A surprise.

Now, that's something to sing about....

Sunday, November 15, 2009

"Could Have Been Worse...He Could Have Been Hallucinating He Was Neil Young and SUNG 'Ohio'..."

It ain't easy being the Boss.

Check it out.

The curse of Friday the 13th struck Bruce Springsteen in a most unusual way: it made the 60-year-old rock legend forget where he was.
The Boss bellowed "Hello, Ohio!" to his fans at the Auburn Hills Palace in Michigan..

Springsteen referred to the neighboring state several times in the following 30 minutes until E Street Band guitarist Steve Van Zandt whispered in his ear..

A visibly embarrassed Springsteen grinned and said such a mistake was "every front man's nightmare.".

The Detroit Free Press says Springsteen rocked the forgiving audience for nearly three hours Friday night with new and old hits including a complete performance of his album "Born to Run.".

Information from: Detroit Free Press,

That's one of the occupational hazards of being a performer on the road. Best intentions aside, after a while, the hotels and the airports and even the venues all start to sound, smell and look alike.

And, fair being fair, he was in Michigan which is right next door. So, saying Ohio wasn't necessarily a senior moment.

It's not like he yelled out "hellllllo, Portland!!!"

And it's not like he pulled a Jessica Simpson.

Remember this oldie but goodie?

“Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says 'Chicken by the Sea.'”

Bless her heart, she doesn't even know the difference between chicken and tuna, let way alone the fact that it's Chicken OF, and not BY, the Sea.

And she's half the Boss's age.

Obviously everybody had a good laugh over Bruce's little geographical miscalcuation.

But I think it's safe to let him keep driving a car and operating heavy machinery.

Cause I'm pretty sure he knows the difference between chicken and tuna.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

"..Rhapsody In Blue...Blue Is The Ocean...The Ocean Has A Beach...The Beach Boys...Seems Like A No Brainer..."

At first glance, you’d think that Brian Wilson and George Gershwin don’t have a lot in common.

It ain’t necessarily so.

Apparently, the Gershwin family sees the connection.

Acclaimed early-20th-century composer George Gershwin’s estate has asked onetime Beach Boys mastermind Brian Wilson to try his hand at finishing some rare, unfinished Gershwin compositions. The completed songs—along with covers of Gershwin classics—will appear on the scruffy pop genius’s next solo album, to be released through a Walt Disney Records imprint.

“He had a gift for melody that nobody has ever equaled,” Wilson says of Gershwin. “The earliest music I remember hearing is ‘Rhapsody in Blue.’ Along with Irving Berlin, Gershwin basically invented the popular song.”

My first instinct here was to execute the “get cute” and try to come up with some possible Gershwin/Wilson collaborations.

“God Only Knows It’s Nice Work If You Can Get It”

“Round, Round, Get Around, I Got Rhythm”

“Bess, You Is My California Girl”

“I Loves You, Rhonda”

You get the idea.

But, while checking out the story, I came across an article by an entertainment reporter (that sounds oxymoronic to me, but damned if I can figure out why) who was apparently tempted to head down that same road..

The best he could do was:

“Lady Be Good Vibrations”

That pretty much made it clear that while Mssrs. Wilson and Gershwin may be birds of a musical feather, trying to turn their respective already completed work into a cohesive whole has about the same chance of success as did McCain/Palin.

That aside, I think the Gershwins have made a wise choice.

Both George and Brian were undisputed masters of pop melody in their time.

Both did a nice job of pushing the envelope containing the conventional wisdoms of popular music parameters without pushing it so far that it alienated.

Both were lovable and beloved eccentrics who were screwy but not psycho.

And if you want to stretch the point, both created their music in an atmosphere of literal family, George leaving the lyrical tasks to his brother Ira, Brian leaving the concert tasks to his brothers Carl, Dennis and cousins Mike and Al.

As I said, it might seem, at first, like an odd choice.

But, odd is good.

Both Gershwin and Wilson were considered odd.

Genius, by its nature, tends to trigger that reaction in the less gifted.

And, by the way, no, I’m not overlooking the other still living songwriter who is considered an undisputed master of pop melody in his time.

But Paul McCartney just isn’t the right fit for this particular gig.


“S’Wonderful, S’Marvelous, S’Michelle, Ma Belle” just doesn’t quite hook it.

And second…

Yoko is still around.

Pretty sure she wont be able to pull off breaking up Brian and George.